I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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