I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She announced her abortion via fbk
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
