I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
