Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
