that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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