I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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