i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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