I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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