batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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