oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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