I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
