At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Drunk is a universal language darling
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