That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
