just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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