So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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