***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
