some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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