Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
