i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
