I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
