I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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