You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
