Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
