I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
