Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
