last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize