im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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