The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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