Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
whose ass print is on the piano?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize