I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
