What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize