You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
