Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
