Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
That's when you crack a 10am beer
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
They took my balls.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
