Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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