"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
