Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
not ubering you a puppy
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
