sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
