i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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