There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
