what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
So. Much. Porn.
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