Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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