A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
