yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
