I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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