Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
