I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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