You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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