I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
