I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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