when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
