At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
sarcasm needs its own font
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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