i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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