after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
