i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
