someone owes me an orgasm
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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